Possible trigger warning. Body image, disordered eating, etc., are mentioned in this blog post.
This post is honestly one of the main reasons I wanted to start a blog.
I mean, writing about my day-to-day life is fun and all, but I’ve always had an easier time writing my thoughts down rather than speaking them. And so when such a serious topic has played a massive role in my life, I like to write about it.
I’ve actually written countless essays in high school on the topic, and I’m continually researching it in the hopes of understanding it a little better. I’m still confused as ever, but I’m dealing with it.
Now on to the actual topic. This might be a rambly post that is sort of all over the place, so I apologize in advance.
Time to get real deep and finally be open about everything.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve had issues with my body and self image. Some of you may be aware of this already, but whatever. I have a vivid memory of when I first started to become critical of myself, and it all started when I quit ballet. I was around 9 years old, and my body started to change. Probably due to the beginning of puberty and no longer exercising regularly. I remember feeling as though I had become the bigger sister, even though I was the younger one. My sister was very slim (and so was I honestly), but I grew bigger boobs and gained weight due to growing. This was all totally normal but I didn’t like it. I ended up with a ton of stretch marks around the age of 13 probably and was always aware of them. I became overly aware of myself and any small change that occurred.
Around the age of 16 is when it started getting real bad. I started a blog on Tumblr and was trying to figure out a theme. I ended up falling onto “thinspo” somehow and it spiraled from there. I was constantly looking at images of terrifyingly thin girls and I became obsessed with it. I would look at it as much as I could, whenever I could.
At the age of 17 I started a relationship that would last 2-ish years and also started birth control around this time. The relationship started off really great, but towards the middle/end, we really brought out the worst in each other I think. It was long distance and really hard. The fact that my self confidence was at an all time low meant that I had no trust in him. His bad habits and distance didn’t help, and neither did the negative chemical reaction being caused by the mini pill (progesterone only BC). My mood spiraled and I think I became mildly depressed honestly. I was so upset all the time, for so many reasons. I was counting all of my food and restricting, exercising in a negative mindset, self harming for a bit, and not telling anyone. I tried my best to keep everything to myself, even though people could tell that something wrong.
Being hungry and in a bad relationship meant that I became a bitch. I did good in school and still had friends, but I became someone else. I was rude and opinionated and completely different. I pushed myself away from my family, and became obsessed with food, or lack of for that matter. I restricted a lot and worked out regularly. I told people I just wanted to get stronger, which was the truth but also a lie. I just wanted to be thinner. I had an image in my mind that was totally unrealistic.
Once the relationship ended, my mind instantly felt clearer and I was exercising a lot more and eating well. I still struggled with my self image, but I was trying to do things to better myself physically and mentally. Exercising with friends really helped and I was a lot happier.
Now that I’ve moved out on my own, I only have myself to worry about. This has made me a lot more aware, especially when I’m down. Although I do rely on Alex a lot when I’m upset, I’m able to pull myself out of it on my own if I need to. That alone is wonderful. Knowing that I’m strong enough to know when I’m sad and how to fix it, but also knowing that I don’t always have to do it alone. I’ve matured and changed a lot since January, and I’ve learned a lot about myself. I’m accepting myself more every day and realising that I am good enough as I am and that I’m currently treating myself positively and that’s what matters most. I’m still very aware of myself, but I’m accepting of it. I know that change is normal and OK. I have a better view on my self image and I treat myself with more care and love now.
I think that’s all I had to say… If this made you think in any way, let me know in the comments below.